Conversations with the mirror

I stand in the shower with hot water running over me. I savour its warmth on my skin and let it massage my aches and pains. I tilt my head back, put my face toward the nozzle, close my eyes, and surrender myself to the water raining down on me. I feel old. My body aches. I am tired. I want to stand under this delicious hot water washing over me forever. Alas, before long I will have a baby crying for a feed and a toddler demanding her breakfast.

I reluctantly turn the shower off, drag my feet as I reach for my towel, and watch the steam swirl around the room. I wrap my towel around me and walk toward the mirror. I put my hand up to the mirror, wipe away the steam, and look at my reflection. It disappears quickly with the steam unable to escape the room. I open the window letting the crisp winter air in and slowly watch my foggy reflection become clear.

I look at myself. My dark hair, thick and wild in need of a cut. My eyebrows even wilder. My hazel eyes dull and tired. Even my freckles seem to be dull today. I bend over, turn on the tap and splash cold water over my face, take a deep breath, and look again. Deeply.

Who is this person I see before me? I ask myself yet again. What am I doing with my life? What is the meaning of all this? Am I happy? Am I living life to the full?

I frown getting frustrated with myself. Why must I be so deep, so early in the morning? I look away, dry myself, and ponder some more while I get dressed.

Why can’t I just be content with what I already have? I have everything I could ever want in the form of my precious family. Some days though, I wake up with a nagging feeling that comes from deep within. It’s a hollow feeling. A zombie feeling. I can never put my finger on what it is. I call this feeling the mean reds.

I think the mean reds stem from me feeling as though I should be giving more in my life. More to the girls, more to Dave, more to me. I don’t want to just stumble through life and get caught up in mundane rituals. I want it all. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to feel alive.

The mean reds make me scared though. I sigh. I’m too tired to give any more. I don’t have it in me.

I continue to ponder as I open my jar of face cream. I look back to the mirror while I apply it.

My reflection speaks to me. You are Renee. You are special. You are a devoted wife, loving mother, and a funny, warm and clever woman. You are happy. You are living life to the full. You may be scared of failure, but trust in yourself and you will succeed.

I finish applying my cream, give my wild mass of hair a brush and slick some colour on my lips. I put my shoulders back, take a deep breath and nod at my reflection. Right then, let’s go kick this day’s butt.

Today, I am linking up with Always Josefa for Conversations over Coffee. Each month, Josefa opens up a link for people to share posts with a specific theme. This month’s theme is Conversations with the mirror.

14 comments on Conversations with the mirror

  1. Lydia C. Lee
    June 27, 2013 at 7:16 am (4 years ago)

    I believe the best solution to the mean reds is to wear an evening gown, eat crossiants and look at jewellery…;)

    Reply
    • mummywifeme
      mummywifeme
      June 27, 2013 at 10:46 am (4 years ago)

      Precisely, Lydia! πŸ™‚

      Reply
  2. Pip
    June 27, 2013 at 7:24 am (4 years ago)

    Love your attitude and the way you start the day. Eloquent yet gutsy.

    Reply
  3. mummywifeme
    mummywifeme
    June 27, 2013 at 10:46 am (4 years ago)

    Thanks Pip. Nothing beats a good pep talk!

    Reply
  4. Leanne Winter
    June 27, 2013 at 2:12 pm (4 years ago)

    I can totally relate, Renee. Particularly about the shower. The shower is still the only place where I can truly get 4 minutes to myself – even then the voices calling “Muuumm?” still follow me.
    There’s actually some quite interesting new research out about mothering and feelings of satisfaction and happiness which I’m planning to bang on about in my next post – so this is really timely. Cheers Leanne πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • mummywifeme
      mummywifeme
      June 27, 2013 at 7:51 pm (4 years ago)

      Awesome, Leanne. I can’t wait to read it!

      Reply
  5. Josefa @always Josefa
    June 27, 2013 at 4:44 pm (4 years ago)

    Your morning routine is so much better than mine! If, and that is quite a big if, I even manage a shower in the morning, there is no way I’ll even have time to look in the mirror. To be most honest, I think the longest I ever stop to look in the mirror is on the very rare occasions I need to wear makeup – most other times, it is only a fleeting glance. I love your morning “let’s kick this day’s butt” attitude! Thank you so much for linking up to #convocoffee – Josefa

    Reply
    • mummywifeme
      mummywifeme
      June 27, 2013 at 7:53 pm (4 years ago)

      It’s been a pleasure. Thank you! I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone’s different takes on the topic.

      Reply
  6. Bea
    June 28, 2013 at 1:12 pm (4 years ago)

    Seeing how I feel articulated like that almost feels like relief! Thanks! You scared my mean reds away today.

    Reply
    • mummywifeme
      mummywifeme
      June 28, 2013 at 1:40 pm (4 years ago)

      Lol. Thank you, Bea πŸ™‚ Happy to help πŸ™‚

      Reply
  7. Rach
    June 28, 2013 at 7:59 pm (4 years ago)

    Breakfast at Tiffanys is my favourite so I have to say I am very familiar with the mean reds so I’m thinking the solution to any mirror issues could be a box of crackerjacks, some animal masks, champagne before breakfast and $50 for the powder room

    Reply
    • mummywifeme
      mummywifeme
      June 28, 2013 at 8:33 pm (4 years ago)

      Lol. It’s my fave too! I think I could definitely do with donning a black classic evening gown, grabbing a croissant and doing some window shopping πŸ˜‰

      Reply
  8. Grace
    June 30, 2013 at 8:06 pm (4 years ago)

    I’ve had those conversations! It’s funny how dull skin can reflect your mood too. Ah, the mean reds. I know them too well!

    Reply
  9. mummywifeme
    mummywifeme
    June 30, 2013 at 9:41 pm (4 years ago)

    Glad I’m not the only one, Grace πŸ™‚

    Reply

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