It’s 5.17 am on Good Friday and I am wide awake.
No-one else in my house is awake. It’s the prime time for me to be asleep, to rest, to snuggle into my husband, who I’ve rarely seen lately. But, no. The words are keeping me awake.
The ruddy words that flit in and out of my mind whenever I have five minutes to myself. They come when I’m lying in bed, when I’m cleaning, when I’m driving to work. They’re pretty persistent these words – the fast formation of blog posts in my head begging to be written. (Side note: The funny thing is if I don’t write them down straight away, they are gone forever. #thisis40)
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t written on this blog since December last year. It blows me away and makes me cringe at the same time.
When you haven’t written on your blog for so long, it begs the questions ‘why start now?’, ‘what will I write about?’, ‘does anybody even care?’ and ‘could I really be bothered with all of the self-promotion that comes with running a blog?’.
Why start now?
I think the answer to this one is that I’m having trouble letting go of something that has been a massive part of my life for close to five years. This space has been where I’ve shared my innermost thoughts and feelings as I muddled through the trenches of early motherhood. While I loved becoming a mother, I felt it came with a loss of identity. I was changing as a human being and this blog helped me figure out who I was in my new world. Plus, it gave me a chance to share the stories of my beautiful children. The laughter, love and good times we had, along with the trials and tribulations. And you all related to my stories. You commented on my blog posts, you shared my stories, you even sent me personal emails saying you’re experiencing the exact same thing as me. It’s hard for me to walk away from that – the connection with strangers, the feeling that you’re part of a community, the notion that I’m helping people – even if it is just to give them a laugh at my total awkwardness.
There’s also the fact that I miss writing. When I started a new job in February this year, I gave up my freelance writing. I had been writing every morning and night for almost two years for external clients, in addition to writing for this blog. All of a sudden, I have stopped. Life has changed. Instead of writing of an evening, I’m watching Married At First Sight (Did you hear Telv and Sarah have split up?) and (Bachelor in Paradise). I’ve also been reading books and books and books. It’s a nice change from blog posts, but still …
What will I write about?
This, I feel, is the trickiest question of all. What on earth will I blog about? Traditionally, I’ve written about my children. Those little creatures provide endless blog fodder, but as they’re getting older I feel less inclined to write about them. There would be nothing stopping Miss Seven from hopping onto my blog to read stories I’ve written about her. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Would it embarrass her? What right do I have to write about her and her life? Dave and I have even chatted about shutting down this blog completely to take off the internet (if you can ever really do this) all stories that relate to our children, just in case anyone decides to use the content against them to bully them.
If I don’t write about my kids, then what do I write about? My blogging style is storytelling – you won’t get posts here on how to bake the perfect Easter brownies, how to style your Easter table or Easter craft that will keep your kids entertained for hours. I write about life – my life, my family’s life. I’m not a baker, crafter or expert on anything really. I just like to write and to tell stories. When two of your main characters are taken out of the picture, then it’s hard to work out where that leaves you.
I have toyed with the idea of writing a blog targeted toward women (mainly mums) in their 40s (or approaching 40). It would be stories based around life in your 30-40s, styling, keeping fit and making the most of your life. This idea clearly needs work …
Does anybody even care?
There have been five people who have asked me what I’m doing with my blog and where it’s gone. My mum, mother-in-law, my mother-in-law’s friend, my sister and my friend. On occasion I’ve said to friends, ‘Can you believe I haven’t written on my blog ALL YEAR?’ and they’re like ‘huh, what? Oh, that’s right you used to have a silly old blog’. That last sentence wasn’t based on a real conversation, but it’s certainly how I feel.
Does anyone give a rat’s if I blog or not? Does anyone care for my ramblings? Hmmm these are the questions that run through my head at inopportune times. Perhaps I should just keep a journal …
Could I really be bothered?
This is the clincher. Could I be bothered? Do I have time? Because writing blog posts takes time. Promotion of your blog posts and navigating the endless changes to Facebook and Instagram’s algorithms take time. I could spend two hours writing a blog post only to have five people read it. Is that really an efficient use of my spare time? Surely my free time would be better spent finding out if Jarrod is going to find true love on Bachelor in Paradise, no?
I have never felt comfortable with self-promotion or putting myself out there. I’m not a showy person, I’m an introvert. It’s the personal connection I want – not the ‘fame’. I would often think about things to share on my Facebook page and think, ‘Renee, does anybody actually care?’ It’s these questions that have made me freeze and become unable to write.
There are so many rules and regulations with blogging and social media. I know I’ve broken one right here with writing a blog post that’s longer than 800 words. If you’ve read this far – congratulations!
So, I finish this blog post no clearer than when I started. Hitting publish on this one will be tricky because it opens up the windows of communication again. Am I ready? Do I want to? I just don’t know.
Until next time, my friends, whenever that may be.
Happy Easter to you all – may you have a lovely long weekend with your family.